Secrets.......

Secrets...I have them.....you have them.  It is something we all share.  Sometimes secrets are funny, sometimes sad, others are scary and hurtful.  We all keep them for different reasons, pride, sorrow, regret, embarrassment, sometimes just because.  This past week another blogger, Little Miss Momma, has been doing a series on Secrets.  I have read each and every post this week, sometimes they made me laugh, other times they made my heart hurt.  One in particular had me crying and wishing I could reach out and give the lady a hug.  Today's post, was an encouragement to share your own secrets, on your blog.  I decided to go ahead and take that challenge. 

photo courtesy of grandfather.com

 Lately I've been trying to take a good look at myself, the things I do and don't do, why I am the way I am, what do I like and dislike about me.  In doing all this looking, it has sometimes been funny and embarrassing, and other times it has been painful.  One thing I realized, I don't always do so well sharing what is really going on inside, oh, I know, I talk a lot.  : )  For those of you who know me personally, you know I've never really been accused of being the quiet type.  But I realized that I share surface stuff and that's sometimes all.  So, in the spirit of trying help myself, here are a few things I want to tell.

When I was young, I went to school with a girl named Gwendolyn.  We started together in kindergarten, and we were in the same class almost every year until the 9th grade.  Looking back, I realize that Gwen was a sweet girl, someone I should have wanted to get to know more than I did.  In a lot of ways she was like me.  She was a Christian, was raised in a home that most would consider very conservative, like me.  She generally dressed more modest than most kids our age, just like me.  However, she was shy, and therefore she did not have a lot of friends, and she got made fun of regularly.  I never really said or did anything about it.  I could have.  Until the 8th grade I was always one of the tallest, if not the tallest, kids in the whole school, kids didn't really mess with me often.  (height does have its advantages.)  I don't remember ever defending Gwen until I was in 6th grade.  One day a particularly obnoxious girl was being extraordinarily mean to Gwen, in front of about 8 of us who thought of ourselves as Gwen's friend.  No one was saying anything.  We all just stood there.  I finally told the girl to back off, she then started on me.  I don't remember what all was said, except that the end result was a threat to "meet her after school for a fight."  The fight never happened.  You are probably thinking I did the right thing.  But.... there's a but, I only did a sort of right thing.  See, the girl who was picking on Gwen, well, I knew her aunt worked with my mom, she lived with her aunt, so I knew if I told my mom what happened, mom would tell the aunt, and it would all be fine.  That's pretty much what happened.  I have always felt like I took the easy way out.  I have always wondered if things could have been different for Gwen if I had stood up for her years before.  I don't know where Gwen is today, and I often think of here and wonder how she turned out, if she was okay.  It's been 17 years since that day, its been 25 years since I met Gwen for the first time.  I don't know why it still bothers me, but it does. 

photo courtesy of www.freefoto.com

This one is a funny one, at least to me it is.  Ever since I was tall enough to reach into the freezer, I have loved to steal bites of ice cream straight from the carton.  I would take a bite, or two, then put the lid back on and put the ice cream back just the way it was in the freezer.  So, yes Lou and Ape, I probably am the one who stole the last bite of your 31 Flavors ice cream when we were teens!

I told you I have been looking at myself, and my habits, good and bad.  I don't particularly like cleaning my house, there are a million things I can think of that I NEED to do instead.  Believe me, I am the Queen of coming up with excuses to not clean.  Hubby really likes to have a house that is picked up and clean.  I realized a few years ago that when I got irritated with him, or something he did or did not do, I would not clean and pick things up.  I can't say it was totally on purpose, at least I wasn't thinking of it in that way.  Now, I do my best to keep things picked up, and clean regardless, because its my job.  It is something I need to do, something that will help show my hubby how much I love him.  I'm not perfect at it, as my friends can tell you.  Not too long ago my friend H stopped to pick something up, my house looked a couple of tornado's had come through.  So, its still something I am working on, and getting better at...most days.

Attitude is something else I am working on.  I realized not so long ago that my attitude was really rotten sometimes.  If I got irritated, at Hubby particularly, I would just have the worst attitude, and even though I knew it, I would say something to him, and in my head I was telling myself don't say that, you need to change your attitude, yet I would say it anyway.  Did you know I could have a totally rotten attitude?  Well, now you know.  When I feel and attitude coming on, I remember these quotes from a book I am reading "STOP stinking thinking!! and Do NOT practice bitterness.  and Life is NOW!!"  Those are all posted on my fridge to help me. 

Next....a confession.  I have been told off and on my whole life that I am a confident person.  I've never really understood why someone would think that.  I feel like I am one of the least confident people around.  I never know what to say to people.  It doesn't really matter the situation.  I tend to talk about menial things, not things that matter or are "deep".  I get uncomfortable, every thought in my head seems to fly out, and I don't know what to say, so I say too much about nothing.  I'm not totally sure how to change this, but I decided early this year that I needed to learn to be silent sometimes.  That I needed to learn to listen more and talk less.  In doing that I hoped I would learn more about others, and hopefully learn how to share more, and talk about things that are not menial.  I' don't know if I've learned that yet, but I am working on it.  Sometimes my tongue just gets ahead of my brain.  I'm working on it.

I am not a small person, I'm not grossly over weight either, but definitely could stand to lose some weight.  Most of my friends don't really need to worry about their weight, though a lot of them do and that's okay.  I know that I will never be "skinny" or the perfect size 6 (if you saw me in person you would know that is just not possible, no matter what), I'm okay with that.  It took a long time to be okay with that, but I really am okay with it.  That said, I wish, often, that my weight wasn't such a struggle. I wish I had more will power when it comes to saying no to that piece of awesome homemade cheesecake. I wish losing weight and keeping it off was a just a little bit easier. Maybe someday. 
I am a work in progress.  I am happy to say that there is progress!  But I still have a ways to go.  I am telling these things NOT because I want sympathy, I am telling them to help myself, and maybe help you if you struggle in similar areas. 
If you get a chance, click on the button below to read more on the Secrets series, they will really make you think, and some will make you laugh, it is worth the time.
Melissa